My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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