i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize