My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
