I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
