I think im going to throw up on grandma
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
