we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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