he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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