OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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