5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize