I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
