Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
