I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
