you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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