I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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