4 words: hood of his car
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
