Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
