Don't make out with my wife yet
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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