You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
A+ Viking dick
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
