oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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