Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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