for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
porn star boner night. come get it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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