life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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