Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
