Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
