I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize