So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
