So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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