So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
