all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize