Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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