What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
