Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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