I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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