the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
