i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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