They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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