I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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