Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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