The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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