The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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