then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
