Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
