Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
