Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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