after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
