She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
