i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
