my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
