I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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