you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
