...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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