Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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