Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
