the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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