my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
