Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
how drunk are you?
Several
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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