i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
