Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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