some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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