Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
